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Morality and Decency Conference Speakers
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Newsletter Updates
July 22, 2008
Invest in America
I've decided it doesn't take a village to raise a child — it actually may require a small army of well-trained professionals. One of my dear friends, a married mom of five, will often say to me, “Bets, I don't know how you do it.” Of course the truth, which she well knows, is that I don't. My house is often a mess, my kids aren't involved in constant activities, they don't get the latest anything, and I won't let myself feel guilty about it (it wasn't my choice to be a single parent, it is my choice to do the best I can with what I've been given). When it comes to all the “stuff” that does need to be done, I figured out how to do one strategic “loop” and get in at least three errands, a friend's birthday party, and a softball game en route. But it's become more obvious to me lately that one of the great things my friend has in her spouse, which we single parents don't typically have, is simply real-time “back-up.” Her husband just has to look at one of their kids and say, “don't you dare talk to your mother like that” and it's over. Or, when she doesn't want to fight with one of her children over a decision, “talk to your dad — it's up to him and I'll stand by what he says.” They cross-support each other on the ground and in the moment. Lately, with my children getting older, I've seen that it is sometimes easier as a single parent to let bad habits develop. A tone that doesn't get corrected becomes a staple in one of my children's voices; pushing back bedtimes becomes a routine that I just get too tired to fight about; or sometimes I give into the whining because it's just. . . less trouble.
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It's not an excuse, just reality. One that I'm determined to try to address this summer. No, I'm not bringing in an army or a big guy to say “do what your mother says!” —though believe me the ideas have occurred to me. I'm just going to be a lot more aware of holding the line, or placing the line further “back,” to begin with. And so for starters I've had something of a “family meeting” with the kids. They need to know that in our household of one of me and four of them they have to respect me twice as much. At least that's the formula I've come up with. I've also found that it's quite helpful to be open to what other eyes and ears I trust can tell me about the way I do things. A dear friend recently pointed out something that I literally didn't notice: my kids are constantly yelling for me and asking me to do things they can and should do on their own. “Mom!!! Where is ... “Mom! Can you get ... “Mom! I need ... “Mom!! the (fill in the blank) doesn't work!” He pointed out that I'm stepping and fetching for my kids all the time. I literally couldn't see it. Now I do. The solution? My kids now have to find me to ask me for something, anything. It should be no surprise that suddenly, it's often easier for them to do it, fix it, find it, or just forget about it themselves, than it is to hunt me down to do it for them. One small step for mom, one big step for my household. Apparently, there is no army that is going to do this for me. But this summer, I'm going to be more conscious of holding, possibly gaining ground, with my kids — and relishing even the smallest victories. Betsy Hart hosts the “It Takes a Parent” radio show on WYLL-AM 1160 in Chicago. Reach her through http://www.betsysblog.com/. Betsy is a former aide to President Ronald Reagan. read more |
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